I Wonder What She’d Think

I have wondered this so many times over the past 6 years! And anytime I try to Imagine if I got just 5 minutes what Id ask her!!! Despite the more obvious questions there’s also so many other things I just wish I could have her opinion on!

Mostly trivial things, for instance I came across someone very recently we both mutually know and they aren’t really the person I thought they were! And I’d just feckin love to know what my mam really thought of them !

Even things like Snapchat…..Stephen reckons she’d love the fact I’m on it. She would be ringing me to ask had I seen a certain bargain and made sure to let the Snapchatters know!! Or If she was here while I was snapping she would be popping into the background to give her two cents!

I’ve made some huge decisions over the past 6 years and I hated not having her opinion on them even if sometimes it may not have been what I would have wanted to hear.

But she always seems to have some way of guiding me!

I cried my eyes out last year when I realised we were making the wrong choice for Rebecca’s School! I was standing in the Shower and It’s like I could almost hear her Saying

“Grace what are you doing? Don’t send her there”

So the next morning a panicked phone call and a quick groveling meeting with the Principal and it was sorted!

But his 1st words to me when I met him were “Sure your mam would be going mad if she wasn’t coming here” I knew right then and there I had made the right choice.

There’s always this sense of longing when you make a decision or follow through with one,

When we decided recently that I wasn’t going back to work after having Luke I spoke to numerous people for some advice and they helped greatly, but I would have given anything for her to say “of course your doing the right thing darling”.

When I did hand in my notice I came back to the car and there it was that longing and empty feeling, it never fades! I sent a text or rang the people I needed to but that incomplete feeling is just sitting there as you can’t tell all the people you feel the need to! That’s why the feeling is so strong it’s not a want it’s a need!!! A need to know they know, hear their reaction and feel secure in their approval!

I feel for the majority of girls the age I lost my mam is the time you begin a new sort of Relationship with them. Instead of not always welcoming their opinion you desperately need their guidance and you become more and more like friends!!

I have certainly gained an awful lot of new respect for my mam since I became a Mother! It ain’t easy!!!

And when you have a mini me who thinks she always knows better I sometimes want to apologise for also being that mini madam who thought they knew everything!!!

I turned 30 recently and to be frankly honest I hated it and not only as it’s a scary new age bracket but because there I was, 30 , so happily married with two adorable little humans and she wasn’t here to see it! I felt like I was once again stepping into a new stage and she wasn’t here to celebrate any of it! No birthday is easy as you spend most of the day longing for the birthday call or visit you know isn’t coming but this one was particularly lousy!! I just know she would have been parading me around telling people I was 30 just so someone would be shocked that she had a daughter my age ! She would be heading for 54 now and I just can’t fathom that! I think she will always be 48 to me. I’ll never be able to picture her any older and I like it that way!

Despite never really being able to know what she’d think I’ve no doubt at all that she’d be so very proud of every decision I’ve made without her and the way in which I’m growing to be just like her.

Come Find Me…..

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