Oh, did you just cough? I’ll just run that through my head to see what serious illness you might have.

Yep that’s me, I now know almost every symptom of nearly all Cancers. I may offer you my sympathy and smile politely at you when you tell me you’re sick, but secretly I’m wondering have you considered you might have the rarest cancer possible? Or if you casually mention that you haven’t been able to reach your loved one for a few hours I’ll reassure you that “they’re ok”. While in my head I’m screaming “Christ have you tried every means of contacting them? Have you checked the news for workplace accidents? or AA road watch for car accidents?” That’s what it’s like living in my head and do you know what I’ve learned? Its’ the same for so many other people.
I have hummed and hawed over writing this piece for a while now.  I feared that people would think I’m totally crazy (I am a bit to be fair). I also worried that people would say I was “jumping on the bandwagon”. “Oh, look another one talking about Anxiety”. Well guess what? I have been terrified of my mind since I was a small child. One of my biggest fears was someone I loved being involved in a car crash. Then I got knocked down by a car. I was terrified of losing one of my parents. Then my mam died at the age of 48. Those experiences added fuel to the fire of anxiety in my mind. 

As much as I believe this statement to be true, unfortunately some of my worst fears have become a reality. I now spend so many of my waking hours terrified of how many of my other fears are looming.
I’m going to go back to when It became apparent I was a “worrier”. I’ll run through a few examples of things I’ve done over the years that would warrant me being locked up or being divorced. Firstly, mobile phones came on the scene in a big way when I was around 11 or 12. This was wonderful because I could now phone my dad every morning at 6 am. The phone call was the same every day, he only had to say hello and I would then hang up and go back to sleep safe in the knowledge he had made it to work without being killed. Did I think this was odd? Not really, sure I was just a “worrier”. This mobile phone obsession grew, and you know those automated ladies telling you “the person you have called cannot be reached at this time”. Well I hate that bitch, she may as well be saying “I’m sorry your parent/husband has died so you better get your panic attack on”. Logically I know the phone is out of service, but that logic doesn’t always kick in and all hell breaks loose.
Falling in love with Stephen was one of the best things to ever happen to me but also, he was now another person to worry about. Over time he has had to learn the hard way in how my mind works. He now knows how to help me cope, he has been on the receiving end of countless gasping, angry phone calls after an episode where I couldn’t contact him. All of these times he was un reachable for totally explainable reasons, but to the person panicking until you hear that person’s voice on the other end of the phone you lose all common sense. I could call and call up to 50 times while frantically bawling or being sick with pure panic and fear. In a split second, I can go from a relaxed happy human to an uncontrollable sobbing mess. Thankfully over time these episodes have become less and less as we have learned ways of keeping me calm. I don’t need to keep tabs on him for any reason of trust, or because I’m controlling. Neither of those things have ever been an Issue in our relationship. Once I get an “I’m here xx” text or a phone call, all is well. I’ve also learned to deal with him working in an environment that means he very rarely has phone service throughout the day, but I know that and therefore I don’t worry anymore if I can’t get through to him. This to some will sound excessive and unnecessary but, these little measures and others like them have led to me being medication free for the past three years. I can now leave the house without checking I if have Valium.

Even though I always worried, illness wasn’t really a huge worry factor, not near as much as car accidents were. The I watched my mam grow weaker and weaker in front of my eyes over 8 short months. She then left me because of Cancer, well that certainly opened a whole new field of worry for me. When my mam got sick everything else just faded away.  I lived and breathed those 8 months by her side. I immersed myself in every little detail and never wanted to not be prepared for what was next. I practically lived in St. Luke’s hospital, and day in day out I seen people affected by many different Cancers. I became obsessed. In the weeks and months after my mam passed, I had diagnosed myself and others with so many forms of Cancer. I’ll give you two examples. Stephen developed a cough. This cough came out of nowhere and it was to me unusual and prolonged, which in fairness is a cause for concern. This cough however was simply a side effect from the blood pressure medication he was taking. But until I knew that, I spent hours and hours online, always coming to the same conclusion. I had enough, so I took the extreme option and I turned up at his routine doctor appointment totally unknown to him and asked the doctor if he thought Stephen had lung cancer. Stephen was 27 years old, a non-smoker of course he didn’t have lung cancer. To me he could have been part of that very small 2 % who I read about.

Another time I looked in the mirror and seen a small dent on my breast. Que the panic, I went straight into the doctor the next morning. He wasn’t a doctor I was overly fond of, but he was the only one available and I needed my reassurance. I didn’t get reassurance though because he couldn’t see the dent. He gave me a quick check and fobbed me off. For the next week, I was engulfed with fear, I spent more time on google than I did sleeping or eating. By the Friday I became a shell of a person and was going to see my own trusted G.P. I don’t even remember the drive down, or how I managed to get there safely, but I made it and sat crying in the waiting room for a half hour. By the time I got into his office I was uncontrollably shaking and sobbing. It took a while for him to calm me down so that I could explain why I was there. He didn’t fob me off, he fully examined me and he could 100% see the famous dent. He went so far as to put his career on the fact that I didn’t have breast cancer. Yes I had a dent, actually I had several of them, from weight loss. I got back in the car and phoned Stephen, again I was hysterical but this time from pure relief. Not that I hadn’t got cancer but that the worrying about this was over.

I came away from that G.P appointment with a new prescription for anti-depressants since I had been off them for a few months. Since the age of 17, after I was knocked down I have been on and off anti-depressants. I have seen so many psychologists and councillors, some helpful some not. Nothing has ever “fixed me”, I always just felt it was being masked by medication. Trust me I think anti-depressants are a wonderful thing, and not for one second will I ever discredit their use. However, three years ago I decided I was packing in my contraceptive pill which I had also been on since I was 17. I just didn’t feel it was agreeing with me anymore. So, I decided the anti-depressants where going with it. Would I last this time? who knew.  

My biggest fear now is that the adorable, impressionable little mind of my daughter will be affected by my behaviour and that she will turn out just like me. I am so adamant not to let this happen that I am learning every day how to control this and my mind. I’m teaching myself to react differently and to try not always jump to google and/or the worst-case scenario. Rebecca is heading for 5 years of age, and the first time she seen a doctor she was 2 and a half, now that’s saying something. She’s only been a handful of times since then, and only ever for the normal illnesses she picked up in school. People have been shocked at how relaxed I am with her, I mean look I’m still a mammy I still worry, but normally not to any huge excess. That’s for now, unfortunately that could change as she gets older and I’m prepared for that.
For now, in general am I still worrying? Of course, I worry more than the norm every day and I don’t think that will ever change. However, I’m coping and Living. Yes I still need the “I’m here” text and I get excessive levels of reassurance when the arrows turn blue and “typing” appears on my WhatsApp. I still suffer from extreme anxiety and I believe I always will, but I’m getting there and I’m still medicine free. One piece of advice I would offer is “never be afraid to accept help, and never be ashamed to admit that you aren’t well.” I have an appointment next week with the mental health department in the Coombe Hospital. I wasn’t one bit offended when it was suggested by the midwife and I’m not one bit ashamed to say I’m going. To me it’s like any other appointment during my pregnancy, the aim of which to monitor and help the health of me and my baby.

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“Your Husband Hoovers, Oh Aren’t You Lucky!!!”

I will start by saying that yes, I would deem myself “lucky” that I have a very active and hands on husband.

But I hate that this is referred to as lucky!!!IMG_3034

When we bought our house (9 years ago this year, oh my god) we bought it collectively and equally as a couple… Two adults signed the dotted line!!!
Therefore, housework & cooking etc can be done by both people equally. Stephen is well able to clean and cook, just as well as me.
But why is it such a huge deal if he does? “Oh, aren’t you lucky how he helps around the house?” Sorry now. What??????? It’s his bloody house as well!!  Meanwhile, when a woman does anything it’s just the norm and expected, as opposed to anything marvellous!!! I would say that, generally, everything in our house is equally shared, EXCEPT planning!!! I plan and organise everything.
It’s not because Stephen won’t, it’s just I’m better at it! He is better at clearing the shower drain, and lots of other things, so he does those things!!!!
Due to my pelvis issues, and the possibility of me causing further damage during pregnancy, I’m fairly immobile at the minute.
So, Stephen has to do an awful lot more than me. But let’s be fair, I’m growing a human, not having a 9-month spa break! He does it because it needs to be done, not to be hailed a hero!
He likes to live in a clean, tidy house, that’s the crux of the matter. But it’s becoming increasingly common for me to hear how grateful I should be that he is helping me!!!
Seriously lads, I’m pretty sure it took two of us to make this baby!!!

It frightens me that in 2017 women who are in a man/woman cohabiting situation and are raising children are still deemed to hold the sole responsibility!
Once Rebecca came on the scene this “lucky” business ramped up another notch! I actually remember going away for a hen before and having someone ask me “Who will have Rebecca while you’re away?” When I replied,
“Her Father” the response I got was, “Now isn’t he very good for taking her for you”. I swear I nearly got sick! This is the same when people refer to “babysitting” their own children!!
Looking after your own children is never babysitting. FULL STOP!!!


If Stephen was sick I would look after him and do everything I could to keep things ticking over. Would anyone come telling him how lucky he was? OF COURSE NOT.
Sure, it’s just to be expected!! I work part-time so pre-pregnancy I did a lot of the house work. But that’s only fair as he is in work outside of the house more than me.
So, it’s only natural that I would do more at home and do more for Rebecca.
It kind of sounds like I’m ranting a bit now and I suppose I am. I just don’t think anyone, male or female, should be told they are “lucky” in these instances.
I do feel that I am very lucky, of course, but this is because I married someone who respects me, supports me & makes me feel loved and secure, not because he hoovers or equally looks after OUR CHILD!!!
This isn’t by any means a big feminist style rant, but I do feel that, in this day and age, women and men should be seen as equals, especially when it comes to the raising of their children and in the upkeep of their own house!!!
I grew up in a house where my dad was always very hands on, even though he worked full time and my mam was at home with us. So maybe this is why I expected no less!
I hope now that Rebecca grows up and picks a partner who sees them both as equals!


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5 of My Favourite Funny Parenting Truths!!!!

I love Memes And Funny Quotes but I especially love the Parenting ones!!!

So I’ve Combined a List of my Top 5!!

This is ever so Important!! I’ve even done a celebratory dance outside the door!!! Or the fear when you pop in to check their breathing (as ya do) and once you know their alive you run for your life incase they wake up!!!

I was away the weekend with the girls and actually found myself forgetting to bother fully closing the door! I think I was just waiting for one of them to wander in and start questioning my genitalia like Rebecca does!!!

Oh the stress of Trying to make them tidy up after themselves!!! It’s the battle to try not just give in and do it ten times faster yourself!!!

This one has become all too apparent here!!! Rebecca actually stands with her hands on her hips giving me cheek with sentences I would have said to her!! I’m basically feeding her cheeky vocabulary ever time I give out !!!!!

It also takes so much longer!!!I could turn my house into a bleach an zoflora smelling haven all by myself in an hour!! Throw Rebecca into the mix and I’d barely get a sock into the washing machine without stoping to assist an ass wipe or fill a million glasses of water!!

My Top 5 Comfy, Casual & Affordable Maternity Buys

I’m no Fashionista……… what so ever!

But I do Love Comfy Affordable Clothes!

So far I’ve bought very little and intend to keep it that way, by being clever about what I buy!

Not to sound all Gok Wan but an Aul Capsule Maternity Wardrobe was how I survived on  My pregnancy with Rebecca.

(**Disclaimer I have purchased and worn each of these Items. I’m not being paid or Sponsored in any way to recommend these**)

So First up is Jeans!!!

I got these bad boys in a dark grey colour in the hopes they would make me look trendy!

( I sound about 80!!!)

I’m now going back to get them in other colors because they are the biz for €29.99!


Staying with H&M these tops aren’t Maternity but they are very floaty and they sit perfectly over these jeans, I love them! I’ve bought two but I’m going to get some more after wearing them!!! They are a Nice Material and they wash well!

€9.99 Each!

    hmprod (1)hmprod (2)hmprodhmprod (4)

http://www2.hm.com/en_ie/productpage.0485973003.html#Dark grey

I don’t really wear leggings all that much when not pregnant. But when your pregnant they are just epic levels of comfort! I’m loving the over the bump H&M ones for €9.99!

hmprod (3)


So before you start to think I work for H&M I’m heading on to Newlook!

They do some great 2 for €15 on tops!!! I’ve bought both of these.



And last but Certainly by no means least this has been my Favorite Purchase for €14.99!

It can look really dressy with Black Skinny Jeans!



I really hope now this might help at least one person!!!

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My Top Tips to Booking a Holiday!

*Direct Direct Direct whenever possible! If you know where you want to stay go and find the actual hotels website! 99% of hotels all over the world have their own website and most give the option to translate to English. Even If you can only get a phone Number for the hotel ring them, just like you would a Hotel in Ireland! The benefit with this is a lot of the time you should get the lowest rate as your cutting out the middle man! When booking direct with the hotel you wont be relying on anyone else to secure you’re booking. A lot of the time when booking this way they will only ask for a Credit Card to hold the booking and you then pay on Arrival. Just always ensure you receive an Email Confirmation. If you haven’t picked your hotel yet Booking.com is a great site for finding Accommodation as you can filter it to your needs. Of course you could go ahead and book it on their site but Id recommend trying the Direct approach if Possible.


*Insurance always book Insurance! It actually makes great sense to book an annual policy because the majority of them will cover trips in Ireland aswell as abroad and they don’t always cost that much extra. I’ve been using Multi trip for our annual Family Policies for the last few years. Always read the Fine Print to make Sure your covered for what you need. But no matter what Insurance is essential.


*Take Reviews with a Pinch of Salt! I am one of those people who spends hours trawling through TripAdvisor reading every single review and then totally clouding my Judgement. Don’t read 5 good reviews and be instantly put off by 1 bad one. There will always be people who just like to complain. Make a list of things you require and find your answers in the reviews. Also don’t forget a Picture Paints a thousand words I find the traveler photos section on TripAdvisor is where the truth Lies.


*Book a transfer in advance! I personally when affordable always like to book a private transfer. There is nothing quite like arriving into the airport to a friendly face holding a sign with your name ready and willing to help. They escort you to your (normally) air-conditioned car and bring you safely to your accommodation. We have always used Shuttle Direct or Hoopa they do a range of Transfer options from Cheap as Chips Shared Shuttles to high end Executive Cars. You can also pre book car seats ! I’ve never had an issue with them to date.


*Think outside the box! The Likes of Falcon or Sunway etc also offer a flight only service to the places they operate Package Holidays. So for instance if you want to fly to Palma check Ryanair & Aerlingus obviously but also check Falcon’s website for Flight only. You can add on baggage and seats just like all other airlines but you may get the full flight with the extras a lot cheaper.


*Pay the few bob and pick your seat! Especially if flying with Children. I know it’s an extra expense but in my experience its one that’s very worthwhile. I like the peace of Mind of knowing our seating is together and secure.

**DISCLAIMER** All opinions are Purely my Own. I have no affiliation with any of the above mentioned business or sites and Nothing to Declare.

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Mind The Bump…….

Yep we are going to become four!

Turns out we had a really great Christmas and baby Rattigan number two is due to make an appearance in September.

Trying to hide the fact you’re pregnant when you have a (tiny) social media presence is a tad difficult. I went from someone who cooked almost every day on my Snapchat, to someone who could barely stand in the kitchen long enough to pour cereal without needing to run to the bathroom. I’m sure some eagle eyed people have noticed the lack of cooking and non-existence of alcohol. I even staged it a few times to make it look like I was drinking, however I reckon I failed!


A second pregnancy I’m sure for most women is totally different to the first. The cotton wool from round one is wrapped slightly thinner. When I was pregnant on Rebecca I could have told you down to the second how far along I was. This time around I’m just about managing to keep track of the weeks. I had approximately three apps on my phone last time to tell me what each new week would bring and what size the baby was. However last week I found myself deleting my “what to expect when you’re expecting” app to make space for Spotify.

The most welcome change this time round (as selfish as it may sound) is I don’t feel like my pregnancy is a band aid for myself and my family/friends. Finding out I was pregnant with Rebecca was a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Knowing we were losing my mam in the coming days, but gaining a new person in a few months, almost gave us something to carry on for. I didn’t realise until I fell pregnant this time, how much I missed out on the first time. Of course there was excitement and happiness when I told people but it was always marred with a sympathetic look due to the fact I was about to face into my first pregnancy just days after losing my mam. Planning to tell my nanny (my mams mother) I was pregnant was one of the last conversations I had with my mam. She had just started to drift into that long three day sleep. She feebly asked me had I told my nanny, which I hadn’t yet. I made my way to the family room and told my nanny who was obviously thrilled, but concerned for me at the same time. I returned to mams bedside and told her “nanny knows”, she gave me a nod and a smile, and we didn’t get to speak again. I decided this time everything was going to be different, that each time I told someone it would be exciting and exactly as it should be.

I always knew finding out I was pregnant the second time around was going to be difficult, as it’s the only part of my pregnancy my mam was Involved in the last time. However, for those first few seconds when I found out, I was just shocked and roaring for Stephen to come up the stairs. It was the faintist line I’d ever seen, and you nearly had to stand on one leg and squint to see it. As they say a line is a line regardless of how faint it is, and it was enough for us to have a little excited dance around the kitchen. After a few hours the shock wore off and the sinking feeling started to set in, so I just picked up the phone and rang my dad to tell him. He was over the moon and we had a little chat about my mam and I felt a bit better. We spent the next few days telling Stephen’s parents, my best friend’s, our brothers and their partners. It was of course still very early, but these are the people I would need if anything was to go wrong. Trying to hide everything from Rebecca had become increasingly difficult once my sickness had fully kicked in. So at nine weeks we had a private scan. We took the risky decision of bringing Rebecca with us telling her that the doctor was going to look inside mammies belly and tell us if there was a baby there or not. As the consultant proceeded with the scan Rebecca was jumping up and down beside me waiting for the news, and thankfully after what felt like a lifetime, the consultant give us the nod and mentioned the heartbeat flickering away. To see Rebecca’s eyes light up and hear her screech “Daddy there’s a baby in mammies belly” was truly amazing, and made all the sickness I’m facing worthwhile.

Dating Scan

The next day I collected Rebecca from playschool and drove straight to my nannies house. We only got into the house about two minutes before Rebecca was shouting “nanny I’m getting a baby”. My nanny was absolutely delighted, and I don’t think she fully believed it until I gave her the tiny scan pictures. The rest of the weekend we spent telling the remainder of our family and close friends. I was already showing, and between that, and how sick I was, I had enough of hiding it.

I’d love to lie and say it’s been much easier this time under the circumstances, and in ways it really has been. However that feeling of having a “missing piece” has grown as the weeks have gone by. I was on the phone to my dad a few weeks ago, and during the conversation my mind drifted off (sorry dad). Momentarily I was waiting for him to say “ok I’m putting your mam on” just like five years had never passed.  After a few seconds that horrible realisation hit me and I became very upset, I didn’t tell my dad and I got off the phone as quick as possible. I then cried for hours on and off and I couldn’t even explain to poor Stephen what was wrong because I couldn’t get the words out. He just asked “was it about my mam?” and he knew he didn’t have to ask anything else.

I’ve now had my dating scan, and we got to see a very active, healthy baby, and for anyone who has had that scan it’s the most amazing thing to see. I’m struggling a little lately with sickness, and my pelvis pain due to my previous injury, but I’ll be fine. It’s very annoying when everyone says “oh but isn’t it all worth it”. Of course it absolutely is, but sometimes you’d like to hear “it’s worth it, but feck it’s hard sometimes”. So for now that’s all from me, I’m ecstatic to be bringing another crazy child into this world with the man of my dreams (oh crap I need to puke again hehe).

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The Glass Slipper Doesn’t Fit Everyone….

“You bought your house at 20?” 

“You got married at 24?”

 When I give a tentative “yes” to these questions. I’m either given a shocked “fair play” or a look like I just admitted to being Becky with the good hair. 

I was always a little ahead of myself for my age, even as a child I enjoyed the company of adults more than other children.

They Started me young….

 But I never had any aspersions to “settle” young (I hate that word settle).

At the age of 17, a few days after my leaving cert and on the night before I was due to fly off on holidays with my family and friends I was knocked down and pretty much left for dead. 

I can tell you there’s nothing like being reversed through a wall to make you grow up overnight. I had obliterated my pelvis and done damage to my coccyx bone (that really sore one at the top of your ass).

 I lay flat through three weeks of having medical staff do every tiny intimate thing for me, and I faced uncertainty over my ability to walk again or to ever have children. 

Thankfully after surgery and some wheelchair time, I learned how to walk again. The long term implications where: bye bye to my hair dressing career which was due to start two weeks after the accident, as standing for long periods of time was out of the question. Having children would be ok, but a “natural” birth would never be. 

Psychological implications, well that’s for another time…

I learned very quickly what was important and what wasn’t. I left that hospital a totally different person, one who no longer had the world at their feet. Through all of this though I was falling in love for the first time with an extremely good friend who had only just become my boyfriend a few weeks before the accident (Yes I married him).

 My best friends where there every step of the way by doing my hair when I was in hospital, or fighting over who got to push me down to collect our leaving cert results!!

My Girls, Always there when I need them most x

Sorry I’ve totally gone off track here while trying to explain why I am who I am, and that not everyone takes the same path.

Lots of people travel, they go to fabulous places and learn so many new things. Strangely enough this never appealed to me like it did so many of my friends. 

Not that I didn’t think it looked amazing or that the pictures of the human pyramids on the fabulous beaches didn’t make me a tad envious. I just never had that desire or need in me. 

I love holidays, they help maintain my sanity, but I never longed to travel like others. It’s taken me a long time to accept that it’s ok not to do what everyone else does, it just isn’t my thing. I didn’t miss out on life experiences because I didn’t live in another country for a year, (trust me I’ve had enough life experiences) I just done things my way.

We’ve got so obsessed with the “norm”. My aunts all got married and bought houses in their early 20’s as it was normal practice then. Now it would be early 30’s, so I’m not normal which is fine by me. I cannot tell you how many times either myself, or Stephen have had to justify our decisions over the years. Decisions which had no negative impact on anyone else, some people are just afraid of people who do things differently. 

Yes, we could have broken up after a month and had to sell our house, or got married and wanted a divorce a week later. 

Guess what? if you meet the love of your life at 40 and buy a house you can break up after a month of getting those keys. You can be with the same person for 25 years eventually marry them and then want a divorce a year later. 

We were happy, we wanted to live together, we wanted to stand in a room in front of our nearest and dearest and declare becoming each other’s family.  

This year we will be 12 years Together, 9 years in our house and 5 years married with a lunatic of a 4-year-old we love the bones of so it’s going pretty well!Could it all end in the morning? Absolutely but our age won’t determine that. 

All Because two people fell in Love ❤️
Do what makes you happy, choose the path you feel is right, and be confident in your decisions.

Remember each to their own because everyone has a different idea of……Happily ever after.

Come find me…….

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